When someone dies by suicide, there are many impacts for the survivors. The one story we’ll never fully understand is the story of those who took their life. This is my story, as a survivor of losing a loved one to suicide.

On the 2nd of December, 2019, I lost my partner.

Someone I wanted to see experience all the joys of life and someone who had so much to live for. The trauma has put me through a rollercoaster of guilt, pain, sadness, having feelings within my heart and mind that want to send me deep into depression. Losing someone without being able to say goodbye, without fully understanding what was going, is something I’ve had to come to terms with, and it has not been easy. Losing someone who still had so much life to live for herself causes a lot of pain.

It’s not easy. Days where finding strength to get up off the floor do happen; where you don’t want to talk to anyone seem to be every other day. Where you don’t want to face life, where you think about ways out. Sleepless nights struggling to close your eyes because of the trauma and not being able to sleep by yourself. Spending time alone doing the simplest of activities (even taking a shower) all become challenging and scary.

It’s not easy and it’s not easy to get back on with life but you can. Support is there. Hope is there. Finding feelings of hope was something I never thought I’d be able to feel again. However bad you’re feeling, however much pain you are going through, please seek support. Remember it is okay to feel exactly how you are feeling, just know that the feelings will pass and you can continue living.

To everyone out there who is struggling, you are more loved than you will ever know, you’re not a burden, you’re the most perfect life, a life that all of those around you want to see flourish.

Stay brave. Stay strong. Stay open with friends and family and keep that connection. Stand up for your life, it’s a beautiful thing to live.

It’s okay to not be okay. Help is always available through a variety of resources. You can speak to a counsellor at Lifeline via call, text or online messenger.

Written by Paul Elderkin